My platonic ideal romance novel

Apr 2, 2024

I've read probably a hundred romance novels at the point, if not more. I got sucked into reading romance novels during the pandemic, maybe in 2021 or 2022. At first, it felt nearly indecent how happy they made me. Unfortunately, I feel like I've hit crazy diminishing returns on romance books. The first ones I read were the best of the best, and it's been steeply downhill from there. I think, at this point, after at least two years of reading romance novels, I favourably remember only four of them. And all of them were read at the beginning of my descent into the romance novel rabbit hole.

I'm not trying to write yet another complaining post, even though I have a lot to complain about concerning the romance books I've read in the recent several months. Instead, I thought I would be positive. I'm going to (not exhaustively) enumerate the qualities of my ideal romance novel. My pipe dream? Some author will inexplicably find this blog post, resonate with what I've written, and craft the most personally perfect romance book for me.

Hey, I can dream.

So here I go, in rough order of importance.

Emotional tension, pining, and build-up!!!

I love when romance novels are romantic first and foremost. There's been a lot written about the blurring boundary between erotica and romance, especially in recent years. I don't mind explicit scenes, but most books I read seem to totally forget the romance.

I want furtive glances, innocuous light brushes of the hand that keep the protagonist up at night wondering, actual development of the relationship: I want dramatic emotional foreplay, I want them to really notice each other, think about each other. Two people getting to know one another, growing into love or obsession, mutual pining! Let them be vulnerable and catch feelings!

I often jokingly say I don't want the main characters to kiss until at least 90% of the way into the book. While that isn't strictly true, I've found that usually books that start chaste have no choice but to develop the romance instead. More often than not, describing the physical relationship distracts the author from dedicating time to developing the emotional relationship between the two characters. I just hate insta-romance, I want to read romance being earned.

Some signs of nice development (though not necessary) include:

Man, I eat it up every time.

Add in some denial or doubt about the other side's feelings even though the reader knows there's there and I'm so hooked.

Yes, I know that this description fits Twilight to a t. No, I will not answer any further questions.

At first I thought I wanted slow burn. Unfortunately, I've discovered that lots of slow burn novels don't actually burn. That is, they don't actually focus on the relationship gradually ramping up. Instead, usually slow burn is just a bunch of plot about other stuff unrelated to the relationship, with relationship development seemingly randomly interspersed every few chapters. I'm not here to read a crime thriller with romance sprinkled in, I'm here to read a romance, first and foremost. Sadly, I think most slow burns don't burn because cultivating a well-paced constantly escalating burn is difficult!

A personality-driven relationship

A separate but related concept. I want to read about why these two people like each other, why they fit together, what idiosyncrasies each has that complements the other perfectly.

Lots of romance novels I've read recently disappointed me because they all felt the same: generic tall handsome man gets with sassy or sweet girl. There's often no reason these two fit together, specifically. I want to read about a bona fide match. Why do they gel? Is there a secret side of them that only the other one gets to see? Each individual person is different and has their own unique personality. When you have two people interacting, that should amplify the distinctiveness of the story. I should have no problem remembering the central couple.

I want to be uniquely invested in each relationship! Every book should have a different emotional texture because the pair is different, both as individuals but also in alchemy together.

Fine, be spicy, but slowly

I hate physical relations that escalate too quickly, in all senses: couples that jump to it too soon after meeting or reacquainting; a night of activity that goes straight into it without any other activities first; women who arrive at their destinations with a single glance from the hopelessly talented hero.

Nothing is more engaging than anticipation. Every escalation should be hard won. I want everyone, including me, to be forced to be patient.

Miscellaneous superficial fluffy things

I need to read the man's point of view, either entirely or in dual POV books. Sorry. I just can't read single POV books that are from the heroine's perspective only.

I am never interested in paranormal, historical, or fantasy romance. I am a sucker for he falls first. If there is a betrayal or third act breakup, there has to be a real genuine redemption rather than just a grovel — I hate a grand gesture that miraculously fixes everything. I seriously roll my eyes whenever there's blatant exaggeration of the man's physical features (usually manifests as HUGE members or, even worse, eight/ten packs... six packs are already crazy, the eight pack was itself a gross exaggeration, and now we're even outdoing it with ten packs? get outta of here). I can't ignore cliche romance novel wordings, especially the word laved.

Wondering what those books were?

Honestly, it doesn't mean that they were flawless. Each of them have their own problems, but it does say something that I remembered these specifically among the crowded parade of books I have read.

NB: I know these books are relatively light, fluffy, and what a beginning reader may read. As I said, I read them when I was a beginning reader. If you're thinking to yourself "Man, Sorbier just needs to discover [dark romance / motorcycle-OR-sports-OR-mafia romance / why choose / penelope douglas / omegaverse ]" then don't worry, I am aware of and have read these books. And, without exception, they have all disappointed me.

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